This is the only pro shot of my kids all in the same picture and small enough to be scanned!

This was me telling my partner how he made me feel last tuesday! After he snapped at me for talking so much on the phone before he could say anything. It starts to go into a bit about our situation.

Theirs not a day that I don't hurt, for my broken life.

My broken heart aches, I get burnt and stabbed in the back by knife.

I'm a mum of five, four taken from me.

This life I live, at times I wish to flee.

For them I live, for them I fight.

I won't forgive, I know what's right.

The love of my life, got himself into strife.

He and one other, mugged a man with a knife.

The other got nothing, but my man 18months.

Left us all suffering, so far it's been 14months.

Christmas, New Years, Valentines, kids birthdays, the birth of our youngest son,

he's missed it all with more to come.

Our relationship has been stretched to it's outer limits,

as time passes only looking forward to our Friday visits.

I try to keep busy one day at a time,

with that and maybe some good luck I’ll be just fine.

But tonight I’m really down,

my smile a frown.

It doesn't take very much for me to shed my tears,

I have many worries and many more fears.

I know you love me,

This afternoon you phoned me.

I don't understand why you get so mad,

You could have dealt with it better, instead you made me sad.

Another burn only small adds to a already aching heart,

I'm no angel, but being nice is a start.

I know I’m strong and every hard thing makes me,

with you I belong and nothing will ever break me.

So now it's late and I’m thinking about you,

my best mate my baby having you on my mind is nothing new.

Neither are all the times that I worry about you.

This time it's for whatever reason you wanted to speak with me,

I'm hoping that your ok, And can't wait till you next phone me.

Troubled.

Troubled.
Troubled is my life.
Troubled has been pain.
Troubled has been believed.
Troubled has been decieved.
Troubled put me through hell.
Troubled put me through many a physc’s office.
Troubled will turn my face to da ground.
But when the troubled comes a looking,
The troubled starts da running.
And when my face turns to da ground,
I await the silent sound i’ve been dreading.
That’s the trouble
What’s the trouble?
I don’t know – i always run,
And hide from my problems.
I’ve never stuck around long enough to know.
To keep thy self out of trouble,
I might just have to learn how to say NO.
　
　
　
　
　

Don't let him go!

never give up if you still wanna try, never wipe your tears if you still wanna cry, never settle for the answer if you still wanna know, never say you dont love him if you cant let him go........

Unspoken Proposal

16-12-2007

Unspoken Proposal

The one thing I want and will never get,

Is a question you’ll ask without regret.

It comes with something special, inside a small box,

Not g-strings or your smelly socks.

Every week after every event, I still want it and haven’t got it.

But what’s new you think few, again and again always the same.

I’m not sorry and I’m not plain, open your eyes and don’t complain.

Realise I’m your soul mate, Isn’t that great.

No need to hunt, for another cunt.

You tell me your not ready, but baby it’s just like going steady.

You’re a catch, because we’re a match.

Two years in, with three kin.

Together till we’re old and grey, we don’t always need something to say.

So ask me quick, because I never want to give you the flick.

I’ll always want it, maybe I’ll get it.

                                     Hint, hint, nudge, nudge, Mit do you get it???

1st time writing a blog!

Ok so i'm very new to this blogging stuff. I have had myspace, twitter and facebook none of which really helped me to get out what i wanted to say. And they were all with my photo's and real name. Facebook was close but not like this, this is open and releasing yet private to a certain extent. I'm hoping that the people that know me well will recognise this to be my blog and that those who don't know me don't know who i am, but can still see into my life which is at times so unbelievable because of the amount of drama we've been through. This will be for me like a diary to vent in but to be shared anonymously as well so that i feel like I'm actually shedding baggage getting everything off my chest and being heard, not writing page's with no point and hiding them away not being heard until I'm dead and my kids find them I have real feelings i want to release now! Those who know me well will know most of this but maybe i haven't always explained in person as well as i may in writing, the people that don't know me well hopefully will understand me a little better and accept that know ones perfect and i am who i am because of what i have been through and accept me for me. I'm hoping to find more blogs to read that are from people that have been through things that i have that may help me be a stronger person!

 I think i might post some of my poems next, then go read some more blogs to see just what it is that your supposed to do with your blog!

A msg for my kids when they stop taking advice!

Young people are just idiots!
You think you know everything and you don't. You think that your invincible and your not. Try to tell them, they won't believe it, won't listen or believe they're different, that they are the exception.
I know this because that was me!
I've learnt since then, that we will always still be learning. You can never know enough, to act like you know it all.
I was thinking about this after thinking of a friend back when we were 14 and how her boyfriend had tried to tell her he would have supported her had he known she wanted to have a baby. Even though he had another girlfriend who was pregnant he thought he could have two families and be with both, and provide for both.
Clearly he could not comprehend at that time just how much is involved both financially and emotionally or even physically. That he obviously thought he was invincible, when really he was just a clueless testosterone filled young man trying to get away with adultery.
Their really isn't anyway to get a teenager to listen... is their?
Except to tell them your mistakes, fears, worries, regrets and hope that not only will they learn from their own mistakes but from some of ours too. Maybe it would be enough to scare a little sense into some of them and show them that know one is ever the exception and we could never know it all... when their is so much of this world we could learn from.
That, you don't need to make all the mistakes that others already have in order to have learnt your own lesson, learn from mine! Learn from your dads mistakes and from your own as well the "1st time you make them." And try and listen to us if were telling you we know what it's like we mean it, take the valuable advice seriously.
Go on kids! I challenge you to rocket high above your parents make your life the best it possibly can be! Nothing will ever stop you, life may make road blocks for you but their are ways around everything.
And remember that we love you and we only want you to have the best start to life that we can try to help you reach before we are gone and your all on your own to give your children the best start you can offer! XOXOXO Love mum!
Their is still about 6 more years until i will offer this to my eldest to read when she is a pre-teen but I'm getting in early with my thoughts down on paper for the future!